Breaking down

My body feels like it is breaking down. I managed to tear my left trapezius at a track workout, and still haven't recovered. I'm sick AGAIN, and had to call into work. I feel like I'm never going to be well. I usually have so much energy, but lately, my reserve just isn't there and it is so frustrating!! I just want to go for a run, be able to make it through 12 hour shifts and be WELL. I get so irritated with people who constantly focus on their poor health and I'm becoming one of those people. AARRRGHHH!!!!

Eagle

Today I went for the first run of the New Year. Predictably, there were way, way, WAY more people than normal at my favorite running spot around Greenlake in Seattle. I've heard people snarkily poo-poo the people that resolve to get out at the beginning of the year, spending time outside, or at the gym, and (this is what really eats them up) taking up what "the regulars" think of as "their" space, as though the people who are making the first effort towards health are less worthy of the gym equipment or running space or whatever than those who've been at it more consistently. I think that's crap. Everyone has to start somewhere, and the New Year is a natural time for reflection in our society. So as I veered around 5 times the amount of traffic at Greenlake, I smiled. Thank goodness everyone was outside, enjoying the beautiful day, with friends and family. Better to be making a fresh start of it, and enjoying the day, than sitting at home on the couch, not using your body. And I think that today, nature agreed with me, because for the first time since I came back to this city I love, a bald eagle was perched in the top of a pine tree at Greenlake, and there were so many people out to see his (maybe her?) magnificence. So thanks, eagle, for sharing yourself with all of us on a beautiful winter's day in Seattle.

Ol' reliable runnin' endorphins

Today I really dragged my feet to go running.

First, I had to go to get blood drawn.

Then had to take The Dog to the vet.

Then I had to eat lunch.

Then, after I finally got my running clothes on, it started POURING. Not just sprinkling, or a little rain, but POURING.

So I watched a crap TV show on Bravo and did situps and pushups. Not because I love doing them and am dedicated, but because it was doing work that avoided going out in the sludge.

Then my roommate came home, and we talked.

Then I mentioned the word 'run,' and my two running dogs went NUTS, and I was forced to head out.

But first, I needed to get a hat. And my ID. And my iPod. By this time, the dogs were giving me a look of what I can only describe as consternation, mixed with a smidgen of betrayal, as in "I can't believe you'd wear those clothes, say that WORD, and then not go do it!"

So I posted on Facebook that I ran. That did it.

And I had the most TREMENDOUS run. My legs felt loose and strong, my breathing was good, the dogs didn't tug too much, and the rain was heavenly (literally). It felt like I could've gone forever. I passed other runners, who were also smiling with the joy of the rain and the evening and being healthy enough to run. I was listening to my favorite running music, and my stresses melted away with the raindrops. There is nothing like a good run, nothing!

Gratitudes

I'm grateful when someone says, "Hey, K, are you in triage today?" and I say yes, they smile and say, "Could you come now?"

I'm grateful that when I'm out with a lovely coworker who asks when I'm working next, and I name a day he is working, he smiles and pumps his fist.

I'm grateful that there is a back way from Safeway to my house, so I can avoid the traffic brought on by the upscale shopping village near my home.

I'm grateful to my grandfather, who told me, "Fat tastes good!" when I'm eating a steak, without the fat cut off.

I'm grateful I can run.

I'm grateful for my dog, who comes and sits near me when I'm sad, and bounds and jumps for joy when I'm happy.

I'm grateful that I talk to my brothers regularly, and that we matter to each other unabashedly, that our childhood made us close rather than distant as the years progress.

I'm happy to have been there the first time my brother felt his child move in his wife's belly, and to witness his joy and wonder.

I'm happy for my friends at work, from school, and from all the various places I've lived.

I'm grateful for my parents, who have given my my foundation of strength, intelligence and love.

I hear affirmations all the time, and usually find them forced, but these are mine, and I am glad I can put fingers to keyboard today to type them.

Taking It's Toll

I love my job, but it takes it's toll. That phrasing popped into my head today as I was ruminating over some really sick, really sad patients that I had yesterday. Taking it's toll.

 A toll is a price one has to pay in order to travel a particular road that one wants be on. (More specifically, it is usually a privately funded road, but let's not let facts get in the way of my metaphor. :) I love my job. Usually, I love my patients. I can usually find a reason to like anyone I take care of, at least for a little while. Most people are redeemable, I believe. I like the teamwork and the fast pace of my job. I like when people come in with problems we can fix. I am satisfied with my life, in large part because I feel my job has meaning to me and others.

 But there is a price to be paid. I can go for weeks and sometimes months without allowing the emotion of the workplace to affect me, but sometimes, without warning, it slides into my psyche. Last night I had two very sick patients, neither of whose prognosis was known in the ER, and they and their families touched my heart and I gave everything I could into their care, more than just professionalism, but my energy. I hope it made a difference, and in some way, I think it may have, even if just for a moment. I am honored by my job and was honored to take care of them.

 But today I woke up exhausted and teary, thinking of them, and their families, and the long, long road they are going down. That's the toll. I have receive so many gifts from my job, but I also pay the emotional price. It is a trade I'm willing to make, because it is worth the price.

 So today, I watched a TV show, drank my coffee, and am now going to spend time with a good friend. I'll recover. My life isn't playing out in a hospital, at least not yet, and hopefully not for many years. I choose to recover, and regain my emotional strength, and enjoy my life. Because I know more than many, as I see every day in my job, that life can change in an instant. So, I choose energy, and friendship, and strength, and manicures and pedicures, and taking delight in the ridiculous.

This is a poor, awkward explanation, but it will do for now. Live life. Enjoy it. Know it's gifts, take delight in your relationships. Because if you can't do that, it isn't worth the toll. And if you can, and I hope you can, it absolutely is.

Election 2012

This is a short post. I was overjoyed last night when my candidate, Barack Obama, won both the popular and electoral votes for President. He is an intelligent, experienced man who brings hope to a nation that needs it and isn't a bad administrator, either. I couldn't imagine a US with Romney as President, but honestly, I don't think it would've changed much in my everyday.

 Facebook has become a huge part of most people's daily routine. What I realized last night, because of  posts of friends, was how glad I am to have both Republicans and Democrats for close friends. There was so much vilification of the OTHER party (whichever it may have been) in this election, and what was lost in the rhetoric is the realization that we all have Republican friends, or Democratic friends, or Green Party friends, or whatever. And I'm glad that the people I choose to have in my life don't think exactly like I do- it makes me a better person to know them and I value their opinions. Because the one thing my friends all have in common is that they are GOOD people. So if we differ in the way we'd handle a national budget, or abortion, or the healthcare crisis, I think that makes us stronger for knowing, respecting and listening to another voice. Single party systems are dangerous, as are orthodox positions unenlightened by a dose of difference.

 So thank you to all my friends, who posted either jubilant or heartbroken posts on Facebook. I love you all, and am grateful to have you in my life. It makes me, and this country, better.

Dating Seattle

No, that wasn't a misprinted title- not Dating IN Seattle, or Dating: Seattle, just dating Seattle, as in, my rekindled love for this awesome place.

 So about three weeks ago, I decided I wanted to go on some dates. Now, I'm a reasonably attractive woman with my own job, car and condo (albeit on the other coast), but I work in an ER. Which, for those of you familiar with Gray's Anatomy, bears very little, if any, resemblance to the TV show. Yes, there are adorable interns, but they are on average, 6 years younger than me, and in a very different "life place." And there are cute attendings, but by and large, the cute ones are married and unavailable. My patients are all, well, VERY SICK, and uniformly old. So, that leaves me NOT LIKELY to find love (or even a date!) at work.

 Therefore, I decided to join A Reputable Dating Website, because I'd had some friends and family members that have had luck with online dating, and I've met a few boyfriends that way. So I decided, well, I'm in a new city, I'm happy with where I am, so maybe I'll meet some guys, go on some dates, seems like a good idea!

 Basically, it has ended before it really begun. I'd met a very nice guy, an engineer (not really, but I'm changing his occupation for safety's sake, just in case there are people outside my family that ready this blog, which is unlikely, but still!), and made plans to meet up with him. But then last week, my roommate asked if I wanted to go to quiz nightr (which I did), so I canceled the date with the guy and rescheduled for this Friday. ....Buuut this Friday, it turns out there is a hash run, and I REALLY want to get into hashing here, and I wouldn't be able to both do the hash run and the date....so I canceled the date. Again. Obviously it wasn't him, it was me, especially as I haven't MET him.

 So I decided I'm going to just date Seattle for a while, and see what happens. I am still so excited to live here, and to meet people that also live here, and to have fun in this city. If I meet someone to hang out with while dating Seattle, great. And if not, I can always go online again. :)