More musings.....

It's been a while since I posted, so please excuse the delay. It has been a busy time, with world travel, lots of eating, the new job, and a new relationship. That said, there are a few things that I've been ruminating on today. Actually, to be honest, I've been ruminating on them for a few days, and even posted some of my thoughts to Facebook, but I feel like this blogging thing is much like running- you have to get in- and back in- the habit, so while I'm not particularly inspired today, I want to get a post in so that I get started in my writing habit again. So anyhoo, without further adieu:

Things I know Because I Run, that I thought about during today's run (or, the run on December 8th, if anyone's counting!:)

1. I really am always only one run away from a good mood.

2. I have never regretted deciding to go for a run.

3. I have an inner thug, and when I run, my music choices let me express this.
3a. I love running to Missy Elliot. I think she and I could have a really fun time if we ran together!
4. I may not be the prettiest, the smartest, the wealthiest, the fastest or even the fittest, but when I run, I'm definitely the happiest.


Secondly, watching my cousin get married this weekend was an intensely emotional experience for me, in a
really good way. She has been through an experience that would fell most people, which isn't mine to share
on this blog, and not only came through the other side, but came through intact. She's earned the love of a very special man, and has a world of possibilities awaiting her. To see her journey over the past two years has been a privilege, and it was one of the great honors of my life to participate in her wedding on Saturday. In addition to being a truly special experience for the aforementioned reasons (murky and nebulous as I do NOT describe them!) it was also in a gorgeous part of the world to which I'd not have traveled without a reason, being the cheapskate that I am. So thank you, my cousin, for memories that will last a lifetime. It's a joy and an honor to be your cousin and truly a triumph of the human spirit to see what you've become.

Today was one of the most exhausting days I've had in the ED. It was at my new hospital, and I started the day so proud of myself for learning how to handle the boarders- patients who have been admitted to the hospital, but for whom no bed is available. I was so focused on the technical job I was doing that I was sideswiped by the emotional side of nursing. The elderly man with a UTI with altered mental status who had been in the ED for 14 hours by the time he was my patient (no boarder beds on the units!) who just wanted hot coffee, a toothbrush and a shaving kit. Just like my grandpa wanted when he was in the nursing home. I saw my grandfather in him and got him the things he wanted (coffee, toothbrush, shave, in that order) that make you feel human and saw him blossom back from patienthood into personhood. When he left after being discharged to home with his wife, who was JUBILANT to take him home, he kissed me on the cheek and said, "You're a class act, lady." I just thought of Grandpa. The wife of my patient who looked me in the eye, as I helped explain that her husband's heart wasn't pumping enough blood and oxygen to his body to sustain life, and that his body was letting go, who looked at me and said, "It's okay. I know. I said goodbye last night." And who, in her sorrow, was still able to smile at me and thank me for my service as her life as she knew it was ending. The husband of the patient who came into the ED in full cardiac arrest as I asked him whether she was a full code or if they would like us to perform CPR. He looked at me with no comprehension. When she had been taken away in the ambulance, she had been awake and just complaining of chest pain. Her son, who patted me on the shoulder as he walked away from being told that his mother hadn't made it, who told me, "Thank you," as I said, "I'm so sorry." This was my day. These were the lives that I was a part of. I write this with tears in my eyes. Some days, you do the best you can. And some days, I am touched by those I see, and will carry them forever. Some days, it is an honor and a privilege to be an Emergency Department nurse. For me, today was one of those days.

Movin' On

I started in a NEW ED. This is a big deal, since I have only been a nurse two years, and before that I volunteered in the same ED in which I worked. My last day in my old ED was Saturday, and my first day at the new hospital was Monday. Let me tell you, I enjoyed my one day of unemployment!! I ran, I sat on the couch, I ate chili. It was marvelous.

So I've been in the hell known to all who start new jobs as "Orientation." This is both a blessing and a curse. A blessing because it is AWESOME (on an intellectual level) for an ED nurse to get paid to sit on my arse. For TWO WEEKS. No patient care, no responsibilities other than "active listening" (yes, you do detect some sarcasm within those quotes), and no being physically exhausted at the end of the day. Also because I have a normal-person schedule, meaning I wake up at a reasonable hour, go to work, and then come home, also at a reasonable hour. Yesterday after work, I went to a happy hour with my friend. Today I went for a run with my dog. ALL BEFORE IT WAS DARK! So exciting! This is also a curse because as an ED nurse, my natural ADD is reinforced in my everyday shifts, so to sit. In the same room. For EIGHT HOURS (okay, we got to leave for lunch). Is TORTURE. I don't know what I'd have done without my fellow nurses in orientation. We have bonded over our shared boredom and glee!
So tomorrow, I get to learn a new computer system! Yaaa..... no, wait, I'm not excited, actually. :P I do like the new hospital a lot though. It's new, and pretty, and there really does seem to be a level of pride in the employees that I haven't really seen coming from the Big Bad Hospital System of which my past hospital was a part. I think it'll be a good place for me to grow and learn and plan my next steps! So huzzah for growth and change!

Running

First of all, let me say that I love running. Of course, when you have to start a discussion with a disclaimer, it's kind of understood that you're going to say something a bit negative. Kind of like how some Southern women will say, "Bless her heart, but she doesn't know how to dress worth a darn!" Not that I've ever heard that before, of course. ;)

So anyway, I love running. Running is a component of my identity that I've had since I was 15, and I'm proud to be a runner. But to be honest, in the 17 years I've been running, there has very rarely been a run that I have gone on that doesn't start with an internal struggle, where the lazy part of my brain is saying things like, "One more cup of coffee!" Or, "You know, you really should just get that laundry done before you go for a run. Or maybe just don't go." And I've always considered myself an efficiently lazy person, so this is a real struggle for me. Nevertheless, I do go for that run. And I train for races, and I win them. (Okay, not really. I just wanted to say that. I came in third place in my age group once, though. There were only 4 of us in the age group, but hey! I have the t-shirt to prove it! ;). Even so, I still have that fight each time before I run.

But then. Then I'm out, and I'm running, usually with my wonderful running buddy of seven years, The Dog, and I'm breathing in deeply, running in cadence with my music or the sound of the birds or cars or water, and I feel deeply that I'm living, that this is what it means to move beyond the mundane on a daily basis, and that this is the gift I've been given when I fight that voice in my own head, and I simply run.

Thou shalt not eat spicy Mongolian noodles after a 12 hour shift, unless thou enjoyest heartburn at 3am. Blech!

Been a while, eh?

So, I'm in a bit of a transition.

Actually, I've been in a transition all year. The transition from girlfriend/assumed fiance to single lady, from renter/moocher to homeowner, and now from shiny new ED nurse to transfer ED nurse. And which of these am I most nervous about? The former. I'm basking in the comfort of a well-earned reputation. I'm earnestly passing on my knowledge and thumbs up to my (very, very competent and smart and funny!) new preceptee. All the while, I realize that this is temporary and I'm soon to give up my reputation, the knowledge of the right phone numbers, or people, to contact when things are needed. The sure smile when you see a patient, knowing (and more importantly, trusting) your doc, your tech, your transporter. And all that will change in a few weeks, when I'm the new RN, the one who is going to be tested, who isn't going to be trusted. You don't realize the comfort and peace you've built until you let it go, purposely. But. This is growth. This is moss NOT growing on a (perpetually) rolling stone. So I have faith that it'll be worth it. And you know what? If it's not, then on to the next. ;)

Day off!

I really love days off like today. Awoke refreshed and ready to start the day! I walked The Dog, had coffee, went to lunch (and shopping! dangerous!) with a friend from nursing school and work, and had a great run with The Dog. Just a short one, but nice to get one in as always. And the highlight of my day is that I FINALLY got a bone that my 8 year old dog is interested in. Normally, she is THRILLED with whatever toy/bone I buy her....for about three seconds, after which it loses it's "newness" and she moves on to more pressing matters, like sleep. But I have triumphed, after 6.5 years of coexistence! The key, it appears, is to buy a bone with a filling. She's been paying scant attention to me and is lying on her dog bed, tail wagging, chewing apart the bone. This makes me very happy. Good dog. :)

I'm reading a good book, The Full Moon Bride, by Shobhan Bantwal, for book club. She's a great writer. The character has a very clear voice and feels "real." I'm only about a third of the way through the book and am enjoying the plot, characters, writing style and experience of reading the book. Good stuff!